“So, you have no practice at anything permanent.”
It was a statement. She was 16 years old and I was coming up on 40. This girl had just given me a revelation that would change how I view my own life, simply because she was right.
All we had been chatting about was how much we’d moved around when we were younger. Yes, we were also counting moving around from place to place in one city. It was a lot, for both of us. I was asking her how this affected her relationships with family & friends. So, of course, being 16, she answered it, but then turned the question back on me.
I answered that I was very close to my family while we were moving around together, but it kinda fell apart once we weren’t in the same house. I have two long time friends, because they’re stubborn enough to keep calling me every few months, and forgiving me about my long absences to the friendship. My life was filled with acquaintances and my ministry family. I admitted that it had more to do with my not thinking to call or keep up with people.
This has been a chief regret of my life. I’m in love with the idea of family, but I suck at it. Unless something happens, or they’re standing in front of me, or call me, I don’t think to keep in touch. It doesn’t mean I don’t love them or don’t think about them and wonder what they might be doing, or even spinning yarns in my head of what they might be up to in the moments I’m thinking about them. I say a little prayer, and I head into the next thing, and there is always a next thing, isn’t there…
If my parents hadn’t come to me in my late 20’s and asked, almost insisted that I find one evening a week to come to their house and visit, I don’t know what would have happened. I’m lax in talking to my older brother, because he and his family live across the street from my parents. I see him holidays, hear about him through my niece and my parents, so it seems like I’m close, even if I’m not. I’m ashamed to say I’m not any better with my oldest brother who lives out of state. I know I love him; I even admire him a lot, and think of him often. I think to call and then tell myself to wait until the minutes are free after 7:30 pm, then my life pulls my attention away and I forget. Too often, it’s the same with my friends.
All I could think about was all that moving. Building the habits of making friends quick, so I had some, and forgetting them quick after a move so my heart wouldn’t ache over something I couldn’t do anything about. In my young sinfully human way, building bad habits to “protect myself” and feeling it was okay.
So here we are. I'm trying something new and praying God will help me develop into someone better than who I am. A blog, an ongoing communication to my family, my friends, my champions, my church, my neighbors, and any new friends I make along the way. I won’t always be talking about me, but I will have something to say. Wanna join me?
